If by now you don't expect my posts to be complaining and nagging and whining, you're beyond autism and probably need help. Just sayin'.

Well, onto my new and unimproved emo rants. Because I'm a bitch and I have no one else to talk to apart from whoever reads this. If you want to talk privately, my email is hspontie2011@aol.com.

So I was busy taking notes for an essay I'm writing. This essay was supposed to be a showcase on the sickest people, films, books, and events from the last three centuries. But through all the nihilistic shit and depressing murders and rape I was watching and reading, I became more deeply depressed than ever before. So now the essay has turned from a showcase on the macabre to a critique on desensitization. It's going slowly, but it's going.

But I won't waste another word on the essay. I've already talked about it on Facebook, IMDb, and through email with a few friends.

I feel awful. Remember all those posts from last year? I was saying how bad I felt. Well, I feel ten shades shittier than I did before. I feel like killing myself almost every second of the day.

I've only been watching movies I know will cheer me up, like the Dirty Harry series and Richard Pryor movies. It's not helping. Movies don't fucking help.

I'm not open with anyone I personally know. None of my school friends, none of my church friends, none of my family. So I can't tell them how awful I feel. That's about all I really want to say, other than that I watched Planet of the Apes (1968) again last night. Kickass movie.

My monthly emo-post that you're all tired of reading. Yes, that old nut. Sorry, but this is the only place with friends I feel safe venting on. FaceBook has a bunch of gossip-y people, I deleted my MySpace a few days ago, and IMDb is... IMDb.

I don't know why exactly I feel like complete sh!t. I've been cranky lately, especially to my IMDb friends. Those of you on IMDb will understand what I'm saying when I say my ignore list has more than tripled because I've made so many hateful relationships in the past few days.

A couple nights ago I was at a lock-in with my youth group. I spent thirteen hours talking to some of my best friends and a friend I hadn't seen for eight years. We all get along well. Nothing hostile.

But as soon as I get home, I get back in bed for ten hours. I wake up later in the day, when it's already dark outside. I turn on the laptop and watch Tuck Everlasting. Then I stay online. I go to sleep. I get up. Shower. Get back online. Watch Hell High. Get online. Go to sleep. Wake up this morning. Shower. Eat White Castle. Get online. Watch The Neverending Story. Get online. In these past three days, I've had more fights online than I have in my four years of having internet. I know it's not all my fault. Trolls and idiots start the arguements. But in the end, I feel like complete crap. I ended up putting most of the douches on ignore (similar to "block" in email), but I can't help but feel I'm responsible for most of them becoming so hostile. I keep saying really immature things and provoke them. Some people are easily offended. And I'm not smart. Put us together, and we get an explosive fight lasting two hundred posts.

Between myself and my few subscribers, I've searched online for ways to commit suicide, just because I'm curious on how it's done. There are some easy ways, but if you fail at any of them, you might sustain brain damage or worse.

So should I take a hiatus from the internet, keep ignoring people, or what?

Right now, I'm just loving music. It's just as great, if not better than, film. It's all escapism and ecstasy. Some songs just make me feel like I'm in paradise. I've been downloading buttloads of music lately.

THE ESCAPISM

As you know, my brother recently moved to Oklahoma with his trampy now-wife and her two year old daughter. No doubt a nineteen year old guy who had never worked a day in his life would run into problems. Well, his company downsized and fired him, his wife has no job, and he has rent to pay. My mother, usually being bendable and gullible has no money to give him this time, so he's arguing with her on the phone AT THIS VERY MOMENT that he might leave Katy and hitch-hike back home. We live in Indiana. Yeah, good luck. What annoys me further, though, is that my mom, if he does come home, will shelter him. She's always said she's not like our father's mother. She won't have pity on us when we end up sucking. Her words: "I'm not Linda Bruce, if you go to prison, if you get a girl pregnant, I won't be there!" But knowing my mother, of course I wasn't surprised when she was sending half her rent payment to help out loser brother Jeff.

And now I won't be surprised if I'm sharing a room, again, with my nineteen year old unemployed brother. But I do know I won't live in the same house as them if it does happen. My brother screwed up his own life, and shouldn't be a burden. He's a man. He should DEPART from his mother. It just pisses me off. His wife is yelling at him and he wants a divorce after less than two months of marriage.

I know what you're thinking. I have no sympathy for my brother in his time of need. I do feel sorry for him. He has a wife with a daughter to support, and he can't do that until he gets a job. And right before Christmas. Sure, it sucks. But he got himself there. His wife has family down there willing to help them as much as they can. But he's either too prideful or really wants to come back to Indiana.

It's just painfully irritating. But music is there. I've downloaded a variety of Warrant and Nirvana among other bands I've never heard of or listened to, to find there are some awesome songs. Queen's new album The Cosmos Rocks has a new singer and sounds unlike their other stuff. It's pretty neat. I found a band called Days of the New who I really like. I can listen to this stuff for hours on end, and have many times. I went twelve hours just this Thursday when I stayed home from school. No internet connection until later that day and nothing on TV. Music satisfied me for hours.

It used to be food and then movies that made me happy. But since I've substituted food with entertainment earlier this year, I've lost fifteen pounds. And most movies just depress me nowadays. Music is awesome.

So, the point of this post is to ask:

What are some awesome bands I may not know of, and what are your personal favorites?